


Give Me The Way It Could’ve Been

by hailtz



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Injury, and there will be thasmin, i am so sorry in advance, there will be blood - Freeform, there will be tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-08-26 08:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16678513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hailtz/pseuds/hailtz
Summary: “I can’t guarantee that you’re gonna be safe.”“We know.”“Do you? Really? Cause when I pull that lever, I’m never quite sure what’s gonna happen.”————One small mistake leads to catastrophic consequences for a member of Team TARDIS.(Warnings for mentions of blood, guns and death)





	1. you fall like a fifty weight

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So I’m alive and this series of Doctor Who has turned me back into a lil nerd child again who is WHIPPED for Thasmin (make it happen Chibbs xo) 
> 
> I wrote this up and published it on my phone, so I’m sorry for any mistakes/crazy formatting structures! 
> 
> Also gonna say sorry in advance for the feels - I’m a sucker for emotional turmoil. Enjoy!
> 
> (Title is taken from “Give It All” by Foals and the introductory lyrics are from “Memo” by Years & Years)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So I’m alive and this series of Doctor Who has turned me back into a lil nerd child again who is WHIPPED for Thasmin (make it happen Chibbs xo) 
> 
> I wrote this up and published it on my phone, so I’m sorry for any mistakes/crazy formatting structures! 
> 
> Also gonna say sorry in advance for the feels - I’m a sucker for emotional turmoil. Enjoy!
> 
> (Title is taken from “Give It All” by Foals and the introductory lyrics are from “Memo” by Years & Years)

* * *

 

 

_Are you gonna hurt? Are you gonna burn? Gonna answer me._

 

_Let me take your heart, love you in the dark, no one has to see._

 

_I, I want more, I want more._

 

_I, I want more._

 

_I want more._

 

* * *

 

As cautious as she was about bringing them aboard the TARDIS in the beginning, the Doctor now couldn’t imagine travelling without her little team. They had quickly settled into a routine aboard the ship after deciding to leave their ordinary lives behind and, although it had only been a month or so since they met back on that train in Sheffield, they really felt like a proper family to the Doctor.

 

The console room was currently a lot quieter than usual and it was starting to make the Doctor feel a bit restless. Their last few adventures together had been pretty intensive and, as much as the Universe knew the Doctor loved the running, it was taking its toll on her human companions’ morale. They were spending a lot more time sleeping and lounging around, with Graham beginning to grumble about ‘needing a good vacation’, so the Time Lord promised them a day of breathtaking views unlike any they had seen before.

 

Bouncing around the console, the Doctor enthusiastically pulled levers and flicked switches as her friends clung desperately to the nearest available pillar. She still wasn’t completely confident with navigating the TARDIS’ new interface, which lead to the ship wheezing and shuddering as it spiralled through the vortex. In fact, the Doctor was really glad she wasn’t as hung up on impressing her friends anymore, because right now she was piloting the ship in a way that would have her flying license immediately revoked - if she had one to be taken off her in the first place...

 

After three reroutes and only one near miss with an asteroid (an improvement from the usual handful that normally occurred), the TARDIS landed with a soft thud and the rush of adrenaline that came with flying through the vortex was replaced with an eagerness of the adventure to come.

 

“Right team! That’s us here then. Atraxia Mark II. Three hundred million light years away from Earth and in the perfect spot to view the Great Lights of Resilix...”, the Doctor stood proudly before the console, her eyes bright and hands gesturing wildly as she began to explain to her friends what the purpose of their trip was, “...So the two suns are in the midst of simultaneous solar storms, sending the winds across and over the planet, ionizing in the atmosphere and illuminating the skies with the _most impressive_ light show.”

 

Ryan nodded along slowly to the Doctor’s explanation, “Bit like the Northern Lights then?”

 

“Think of the Northern Lights but like on steroids. Amplitude by a hundred. Then doubled. With a cherry on top… Speakin’ of cherries, I could really go a nice—“,

 

Shaking her head and frantically waving her hands around, the Doctor quickly stopped herself before she got too distracted by her own rambling,

 

“Sorry, got myself thinkin’ about ice cream sundaes then. Back on track now though... As I was saying, the planet has been desolate for years, so there’ll be nobody getting in the way of our view or the auroras. Unless Graham decides to stand in front of us again....”

 

Graham, who was in the process of changing from his slippers into his boots, suddenly found himself on the defensive, “Oi! Right, that was one time! And I was only getting up to go to the bathroom.”

 

“Yeah, and we ended up missing the collision of the Three Great Systems cause you decided you needed a wee at that _precise moment_ in time!”

 

The older man let out a sigh whilst holding up his hands in defeat, “I’ve apologised before and I’ll apologise again.”

 

“Don’t think she’s gonna let it go anytime soon, Graham!”, Yaz quipped before skipping around the console to give the Doctor’s arm a light nudge, tilting her head suggestively in the direction of the doors with a grin, “Can I…?”

 

The Doctor hesitated for a moment as she noticed the way Yaz’s eyes searched her own, as if she was looking for the answer to her question within them. Compared to Ryan and Graham, the younger woman had adjusted to life aboard the TARDIS remarkably fast. She shone with pure human wonder that was coupled with an eagerness to get involved and help in whatever way she could. If she was being honest, Yaz was shaping up to be the Doctor’s right hand woman.

 

As her thoughts came back down and into the present, a smile grew across the Doctor’s face, matching that of her companion’s, followed by quick nod of approval,

 

“Go on then.”

 

Yaz whooped enthusiastically and fist pumped the air as Ryan let out a grumble, “I thought you said it was my turn to have a look first?”

 

Slipping herself into her coat, the Doctor reached up to sling an apologetic arm over her companion’s shoulder, “Sorry Ryan, just can’t say no to that smile. Besides, Yaz does have the most points…”

 

“Yeah, right...”, Ryan huffed before mimicking Yaz in a high pitched voice, “Oh look, I’m goody two shoes Yasmin Khan and I’m the Doctor’s favourite! How many points did I get today, Doctor?”

 

“Ha! Don’t be jealous! Doesn’t suit ya, mate.”, Yaz retorted, playfully sticking her tongue out at Ryan as she skipped down the walkway, “C’mon you lot, we don’t wanna miss it!”

 

Swinging open the wooden doors of the TARDIS with one swift pull, Yasmin took an eager step out onto the ground before her without any hesitation. She didn’t quite hear the sound of the Doctor’s voice from a few metres behind her, or find the time to register the concern that it was laced with; she was too busy trying to comprehend what she was seeing before her. _Aliens_. Actual living aliens that were armed and there was at least ten of them positioned around the TARDIS.

 

With their scaly skin glistening underneath gold plated armour, they seemed like some kind of reptile warrior race. Yaz presumed that they were locals who had been alerted by the TARDIS materialising, although, didn’t the Doctor say that the planet was _empty_ …? Were they even in the right place?

 

Yaz swallowed the lump that suddenly appeared in her throat, “Play it cool...”, she breathed out, straightening her posture and thinking back to her police training, “ _Don’t make any sudden movements or say anything that could be mistaken for a threat._ ”

 

“Oh, hiya. Sorry if we’ve bothered you at all, we’ve just come to watch th—“

 

Yaz didn’t even have a chance to finish speaking before a yellow light rapidly passed through her stomach. It took her a moment to register the pain as her eyes shifted from the alien’s face and down to the smoldering gun in its hands that was pointed directly at her. Ah, so _that’s_ where it came from.

 

Doubling over as the burning pain shot across her core, Yaz let out a guttural cry whilst her legs gave way beneath her and she felt herself falling back towards the ground. She vaguely registered the voices calling out from behind her - were they saying her name? Something about the doors? She couldn’t quite tell. Everything sounded so muted and muddled together, almost as if she was underwater. Yasmin’s mind suddenly flashed back to a memory of being in the bath when she was eight years old and completely submerging herself in the water so she could find out how long she could hold her breath for. She’d heard from another girl at school that if she could hold it for over five minutes, it meant that she was a mermaid. Of course, she only made it to about a minute before her lungs began to burn and gasp for air - that’s what it felt like now, like her lungs were _burning from the inside out_.

 

The overwhelming pain snapped Yaz back to the present as she closed her eyes tightly, bracing herself in anticipation of the impact of her body on the hard ground beneath her feet. Instead, she was met with a soft support at her back that stopped her decent; the Doctor.

 

“CLOSE THE DOORS!!”, the Doctor bellowed to Graham and Ryan as she pulled Yaz’s slumped body close to her and back into the TARDIS. Yaz reckoned this might have been the first time that she’d ever heard the Doctor shout; like actually, properly _shout_.

 

With the doors now closed, the Doctor gently laid the younger woman down onto the floor of the TARDIS as Graham fashioned a makeshift pillow from his jacket and carefully propped it beneath Yaz’s head, “Hold on, Doc, I’ll go get the med kit!”

 

The Doctor was too concerned with Yaz to respond to Graham, “Yaz! Yasmin, can you hear me?”, she asked, placing two fingers against her companion’s pulse point.

 

“Doctor…?”, Yaz groaned, slowly opening her eyes and being met with the Doctor’s face immediately before her own. She could see Ryan in the corner of her vision too, running a hand over his head as he looked over at her with wide eyes. Speaking of which, her own eyes felt so heavy and everything was _so bright_. Maybe if she just closed them again it would help...

 

“Hey, look it’s me, you’re alright.”, the Doctor cradled Yaz’s head in her hands, her companions eyes fluttering at the touch, “C’mon Yaz, look at me, you’re gonna be alright. I just need you to keep your eyes open for me, can you do that?”

 

Although she was trying to reassure her, Yaz could clearly hear the panic in the Doctor’s voice. Emotion was something that the Doctor couldn’t mask very well in this regeneration. It slipped out in the cracks in her voice, in the reflection of her eyes and in the way that her forehead creased right between her brow. Holding her eyes open again and squinting up at the Doctor, Yaz could clearly see the worry etched across the Doctor’s face now. Besides, she knew by the way that her whole body screamed in pain that, no matter what the Time Lord said, this wasn’t going to be alright.

 

“It _really_ hurts.”, Yaz whimpered, her entire body tensing up in discomfort.

 

Ryan came forward and gently took Yaz’s hand in his own, “Hey, it’s gonna be okay, mate. The Doctor’s gonna help you. Clue’s in the name, eh?”, he tried his best to joke, but it immediately fell flat on his lips. He looked up from his friend to the Doctor, who was examining Yaz with the sonic, “You can fix this, can’t you? Doctor, tell me you can fix this.”, Ryan pleaded in a whisper. He couldn’t face losing Yaz, not after what happened to Grace. Since cutting ties with his dad, he might as well have been dead too, regardless of what the Doctor said about him “still being family”. He couldn’t lose someone else.

 

“I’m trying!”, the Doctor gave back, interpreting the readings from the sonic and letting out a frustrated cry when the results didn’t match up to what she was really hoping they would say.

 

It was a concentrated, but substantially weaker than usual, blast of Stet radiation that had hit Yaz. The dilution of the beam within the laser is what prevented Yaz from instantly vaporizing on contact with it; however the shot had, and still was, slowly burning away the surrounding tissue. Even if the Doctor somehow managed to stop the progression of the initial wound, the residual radiation had already torn through Yaz’s DNA. It was fatal.

 

Suddenly alarms echoed around them and the rhythmic high pitch shrill makes Ryan grimace, “What’s that?!”

 

“They’re trying to break into the TARDIS from outside, I need to get out us of here!”, the Doctor scrambled to her feet and darted over to the console, “Ryan, I need you to keep her talking! Whatever you do, do not let her go to sleep!”

 

After shooting the Doctor a look of total apprehension, Ryan looked down at Yaz. Her face was twisted in pain and her eyes glistened with tears and there was nothing he could do to help her. He felt completely powerless. Yaz was always the composed and rational one out of the two of them; she never let fear get the better of her. He thinks back to a time when he asked her how she coped with the stresses that came with being a police officer and she told him, “ _You can’t let your own emotions cloud the situation, cause you’re not the most important person in that moment - it’s those that you’re trying to help that are. You just gotta keep your head and get the job done._ ” Those words echoed in his mind now, so pushing his fears aside and pulling himself together, Ryan gently squeezed Yaz’s hand and offered her the best smile he could muster. He wasn’t going to let his best mate lie there whilst he sat back and panicked. No, he had to be strong. For her.

 

“Alright, yeah… Yaz, listen, look at me. D’you remember that time back in primary? We were on that trip, think it was at the natural history museum, and I was so scared of that big T-Rex that they had to call my Gran?”

 

Yaz let out a pained laugh which sounded more like a wheeze, “Yer, we called you ”Cryin’ Ryan” for the rest of the year...”, the tears then started to spill from Yaz’s eyes, leaving tracks down her cheeks, “My family, Ryan. They doesn’t know where I am… They think I’ve gone out to get bread. My mum, she’ll never know what happened.”

 

As the Doctor piloted the TARDIS away from Atraxia Mark II and back into the vortex, she couldn’t help but reply the events of the last 10 minutes over and over again in her head. Yaz opening the doors. The crackle of the laser travelling through the air and into Yaz. Yaz screaming. Yaz dropping to the ground. Yaz on the floor. Yaz’s blood pooling beneath her shaking body. These images looped in Doctor’s head and she scrutinised each one, trying to figure out how the hell it all happened. Double checking the TARDIS’ data logs, she was sure that she had taken them to the right place and time. _Was there a settlement or invasion that she wasn’t aware of?_ The Doctor’s mind flooded with so many questions and variables, and on top of the images of Yaz, it was becoming overwhelming.

 

With eyes desperately searching the console and display for answers, the Doctor’s hearts sank in her chest as her gaze came to a stop on the TARDIS’ defence status. _It was offline_ . She’d temporarily deactivated the TARDIS shields whilst they were refuelling from the Rift and had stupidly forgotten to turn them back on after they had left; and now Yasmin Khan had been shot and was dying and _it was her fault_.

 

The shrill of the alarms ceased once the TARDIS was safely suspended in deep space, pulling the Doctor out of her guilt and back into the present. Hearing Yaz’s distress about her family, the Doctor swiftly returned to her companion’s side.

 

“Hey, c’mon, now you’re talking rubbish, Yaz. After we fix you up we can pop back to Sheffield again. Go see your mum. And your dad, your sister and your nani. It’ll be _proper_ tea at Yaz’s. Everyone’s invited. We’ll be there too. I’ll even bring biscuits. Isn’t that right, Ryan?”

 

Ryan looked up from his friend to meet the Doctor’s eyes. He could tell by the sorrow and desperation in them that it was never going to happen; nevertheless, he managed to force out a falsely enthusiastic agreement.

 

Yaz suddenly felt steady vibrations growing beneath her. Footsteps. Graham. Med kit. With the burning in her core growing in intensity, she found herself praying that there was some sort of pain relief in there. The older man joined them on the floor, cradling a green box and presenting a white cloth from within, “I found this, it should stop the bleeding.”

 

Wait, hold on, was she bleeding? It was then Yaz saw it, the front and sleeves of the Doctor’s pale blue coat now soaked red with her blood. It was on the Time Lord’s hands too and in her blonde hair where she had recently tucked it back behind her ear - a nervous habit that the Doctor, and the others, were well aware of.

 

As Graham gently pressed the cloth down on the wound on her abdomen, Yaz gasped and whimpered. Although he was trying his best to stop the bleeding, Graham’s efforts were in vain as Yaz was already succumbing to the effects of blood loss. She could feel the energy draining out of her body as dark clouds began to swirl in the edges of her vision.

 

It wasn’t supposed to end like this. Yaz thought that she was going to travel with the Doctor forever. The Time Lord came crashing into her life in a shower of sparks and stardust and Yaz got whisked up in all of it. In all of _her_ . In those bright hazel eyes and that smile that made Yaz’s heart catch in her throat. Maybe she had fallen for the Doctor after all - but who wouldn’t? After all, they were going to see impossible worlds and do impossible things. Her and the Doctor. _Together._

 

Yaz raised a shaking hand towards the Doctor’s face, which the Time Lord carefully took in her own, planting a kiss on the back of her hand and holding it to her own cheek,

 

“I… wanted more... time…”, her voice was raspy now as her lungs struggled to take in air.

 

“And you’ll get it. Like I said, there can’t be a universe without Yasmin Khan.“, the Doctor’s brow furrowed together with determination, ” _I won’t let there be._ ”

 

A wave of warmth passed over Yaz’s body, with the burning pain dissipating as the heat traveled outwards from her core - an endorphin rush. She could feel herself sinking into it, bones heavy and breath faltering; there was no coming out of this one.

 

“I’m sorry...”, Yaz breathed.

 

“No, don’t say that.”, the Doctor couldn’t even mask the tremble in her voice now as a pang of guilt pulled at her hearts, “You don’t ever have to apologise for anything, my beautiful, clever Yasmin Khan.”

 

“I-... I guess I’ll have to miss out on the aurora.... S’pose this view is good enough.”, Yaz offered the Doctor a lopsided smile that barely lifted the edges of her mouth as she swiped her thumb across the Time Lord’s cheek; it broke her heart seeing the Doctor like this. The Doctor gently squeezed Yaz’s hand as they searched each other’s eyes like before, except this time, it was a mutual understanding that they both found together - _this was it_ . _Their time together was up._

 

“You really... are... the best person I’ve ever met…”

 

The dark clouds in Yaz’s vision began to grow as she found herself fighting harder and harder to keep her eyes open; she was just _so tired_.

 

“...Thank you, Doctor... For everything.”

 

“No, Yasmin Khan, thank _you_.”

 

The Doctor leaned down and placed a tender kiss on Yaz’s forehead, the younger woman’s eyes softly closing under the touch; and as her hand slowly slipped from the Doctor’s grip and fell to her side, Yasmin Khan let the darkness swallow her up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that too much? I feel like it mighta been too much. I just don’t know when to stoooop~
> 
> As always, comments and feedback are much appreciated


	2. keep you warm, keep you there, wanna keep you all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I’m back with another chapter of emotional TURMOIL.
> 
> So some of you guys wanted to see an alternate ending where nobody dies and I felt kiiinda bad for causing all the feels so here we are!!!
> 
> I was really hoping to get this up sooner - at least before the series 11 finale - but I had so many deadlines for university, it totally killed my momentum... 
> 
> Once again, the introductory lyrics are taken from “Memo” by Years & Years and the chapter title from “Give It All” by Foals - also this was once again written up and posted on my phone so I apologise if there’s any errors or weird formatting!
> 
> Enjoy! x

_ No, oh, oh, you could bring it back. _

 

_ Who wouldn’t want it when he looks like that? _

 

_ Oh, oh, oh, I want you to stay, _

 

_ And if I tried my hardest, _

 

_ Would you look my way? _

 

* * *

 

“...Thank you, Doctor... For everything.”, Yaz breathed, her voice harsh and crackling as the air in her lungs struggled to push past the fluid that was collecting at the back of her throat,

 

“Hey, now don’t say that, Yaz. Stay with me.”, the Doctor desperately pleaded as the younger woman’s eyes gently fell shut and her head lolled heavily to the side. The Doctor let out a frustrated cry, gripping Yaz’s shoulders and shaking them lightly in attempt to keep her responsive,

 

“Come on, Yaz! You’re not going anywhere now, not if I can help it.”, the Doctor ran a frantic hand through her hair, pushing the loose blonde strands out of her face as she turned to the rational part of her brain and kicked it into overdrive; searching for a solution, any solution. 

 

“Come on, think, think, think, you stupid, old--“, the Doctor muttered to herself before she suddenly slapped an open palm to her forehead, snapping her head up abruptly as she did so, “Oh! I’ve got it!!”

 

“What!?”

 

“Right, I’m gonna try something  _ kind of  _ stupid, but it’s the only chance we’ve got of saving Yaz.” 

 

“Well what are you waiting for?? Do it!”, Graham desperately barked back, the Doctor firmly nodding in return and turning back to Yaz’s lifeless form. 

 

The Doctor’s idea was risky. Sure, it was possible to transfer regeneration energy between herself and another living being, and she’d done it on a fair few occasions already, but to use it to bring Yaz back from the brink of death could be a step beyond her limits. There was no way in knowing how her human body would respond to the intensity of the regeneration process, but it was a risk the Doctor was willing to take; she couldn’t just let Yaz die in her arms like this.

 

The Doctor could see Yaz’s eyes fluttering lightly beneath the lids but she was still otherwise unresponsive to sound or touch and her breathing was becoming increasingly laboured with every passing second; there wasn’t much time, it was now or never. Shaking off her coat and tossing it aside, the Doctor pushed up the sleeves her white undershirt and began vigorously shaking her hands until they began to sparkle with a faint yellow light,

 

“Please work.  _ Please, please, please _ …”

 

Leaning down, the Doctor carefully placed her hands over the gaping wound on Yaz’s abdomen, palms open and fingers outstretched. Closing her eyes tightly and focusing on the task at hand, the Doctor briskly closed the gap between her and Yaz, and as their lips met the golden flow of regeneration energy began to travel between the two of them; replacing, repairing and regenerating.

 

Graham and Ryan cautiously looked on, astonished as Yaz’s previously burnt skin slowly stitched together before their eyes, the wound drawing in until it was closed completely; then the flow of regeneration energy retreated back and faded away into nothing as the Doctor gently pulled away.

 

“W-What the hell just happened…?”, Ryan eventually managed to splutter out, his strained voice cutting through the familiar buzz of the sonic screwdriver that hummed in the air as the Doctor carefully checked over Yaz with the device,

 

“Well, Ryan Sinclair, I just saved Yasmin Khan’s life.”, the Doctor proudly declared, throwing her sonic screwdriver up in the air and catching it effortlessly before beaming up at the younger man, eyes bright and sparkling with a slight golden glint,

 

“Wait, what??? You mean she’s gonna be alright?”

 

“Yeah! Totally fine! Better than before, probably. That’s if it’s even possible for Yaz to be any better than she already is...”

 

The Doctor gently slipped her arms underneath Yaz’s shoulders and knees, lifting her up in one swift motion as she rose to her feet and began carrying her unconscious friend towards the TARDIS infirmary. Ryan and Graham followed closely behind, wide-eyed and mouths still agape,

 

“How did you do that then?”, Graham inquired as they entered the infirmary, it’s sterile white walls and bright overhead lights a stark contrast to the dimly lit console room they previously occupied,

 

“I transferred all that nasty residual radiation that was ripping her DNA up over to me, then cracked out some of my regeneration energy and popped it into her - and voila! No more Universe without Yaz!”, the Doctor gently placed Yaz into one of the empty beds that lined the walls and carefully propped a pillow beneath her head, 

 

“... I said there couldn’t be a Universe without Yaz, didn’t I?”

 

As the Doctor turned to offer the two men a slightly smug smile, they couldn’t help but notice the Time Lord’s now conspicuous appearance. There were noticeable dark circles around her eyes and her skin was pale and slick with a layer of sweat. Yaz’s half-dried blood was still on her hands and face too, with various streaks covering the strands of her wild blonde hair,

 

“Uh, no offense, Doc, but you’re not looking too great…”, Graham warily observed,

 

“And you’re glowing again.”, Ryan stated flatly, pointing down to the Doctor’s exposed arms which were once again lightly sparkling with regeneration energy,

 

“Aw, yeah, so I am…”, the Doctor breathed, looking down at her hands as the faint golden glow illuminated the pathways of her veins like streetlights on a road, “...About that, uh, might just need to take a quick little power nap to sort myself out. Not really ideal sucking up a bunch of radiation like that... Nothing I can’t handle though!”

 

“Are you sure you’re gonna be alright?”, Graham pressed, a single eyebrow raised as he cautiously eyed the Doctor who was now searching through a set of drawers for God knows what,

 

“Yeah! Absolutely fine!”, she hastily reassured the two men, attempting to quash their concerns with a bright grin, but  the Doctor couldn’t ignore the sudden ache and heaviness in her bones as she gripped onto the end of a counter for support, “I mean, there’s a  _ slim chance _ I might end up lookin’ a bit different when I wake up, but I reckon I can probably hold off triggering a full regeneration.”

 

“You what now?”

 

“Oh yeah! Haven’t really got round to explaining that bit yet, have I? So what happens is—“

 

The Doctor didn’t even get the chance to begin her explanation of regeneration cycles before she lost consciousness, loudly crashing to the ground in a heap of limbs, with the gentle glow of energy still dancing beneath her skin.

 

“Oh for God’s sake, not this again.”, Graham sighed, exchanging an exasperated look with Ryan, “Let’s get her up onto one of these beds, son, then I’m sticking on the kettle. Although after all of this, I think I’d be better drinking something a bit stronger...”

 

 

* * *

 

When Yaz finally came round hours later, her entire body felt like it was gently fizzing. If it were possible to feel like the living embodiment of television static, Yaz was experiencing it. Squinting dry eyes against the glaring overhead lights of the infirmary, Yaz carefully pulled herself up to a seated position on the soft bed beneath her, rubbing the heaviness out of her eyes with her palms as she did so.

 

“How you feelin’?”, a voice inquired to the right of the room. Turning her head to the source of the sound, Yaz was met with Ryan lounging on the next bed over, playing a game on his mobile phone,

 

“Like I’ve got pins and needles, but all over my body. It’s pretty weird…”, Yaz groaned, wriggling her fingers and toes, the tingling sensation gently bubbling beneath her skin as she did so, “How long have I been out for?” 

 

“Almost eleven hours I think.”, Ryan responded casually without looking up at Yaz, most of his attention still focused on his game, “The Doctor said you’d be out for a while, somethin’ about having to sleep it all off...”

 

Yaz’s gaze drifted aimlessly around the infirmary as she struggled to remember the events that led her there. Her memory was split into various hazy segments that she couldn’t quite piece together: the four of them joking around in the TARDIS, the promise of auroras, an unexpected confrontation, a lot of pain and then darkness.

 

“What happened...?”, Yaz tentatively asked, 

 

It was now Ryan looked up from his phone and over to his friend, “I dunno, the Doctor just kissed ya and all of this mad sparkly stuff went through the two of you and then you were alive again. It was like somethin’ out of a movie; a literal  _ kiss of life _ … Then she went and passed out too, but she’s fine now.”

 

Suddenly Yaz’s heart rate quickened and she could feel a blush rising in her cheeks, “ _ She kissed me??? _ ”

 

“Uh, yeh...? Technically?”, a crease deepened between Ryan’s brow in confusion before he finally caught on to why Yaz was getting so agitated, “... _ Ohhh _ . Suppose you can’t always choose your first kiss with someone, huh?”

 

Yaz floundered, tripping over some semblance of denial that struggled to leave her lips, 

 

“It’s alright, calm down.”, Ryan chuckled as he locked his phone and shifted himself to the edge of the bed he was on, “Me and Graham clocked on to whatever is going on between the two of you  _ ages _ ago.”

 

“There’s nothing going on!”, Yaz cried defensively as Ryan scoffed and gave her a look that that said he  _ did not believe her in the slightest _ .

 

“Where are the Doctor and Graham anyway?”, Yaz enquired, trying her best to deflect the topic of the conversation elsewhere,

 

“Oh, they’re both in the console room messing around with some old music that Graham wanted to listen to... The Doctor told me to let her know as soon as you woke up, but I reckoned you wouldn’t want her bouncing around all up in your face right after you came around.”

 

Ryan was right, the Doctor’s bounding energy could become a little bit overwhelming at times, especially when it was directed at you, “Good shout, cheers mate.” 

 

Sliding his phone into his pocket, Ryan rose from the bed he was on and to his feet, “Well, there’s a fresh set of clothes for ya there by your bed, I’ll let you get yourself sorted and then you can join us when you’re ready?”

 

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll see you in a bit.”

 

Ryan offered Yaz a sincere smile before retreating out of the infirmary and back to the console room, leaving Yaz alone to collect her thoughts. Her mind was still reeling over everything that had happened; did she hear Ryan right when he said that she was “ _ alive again _ ”? Does that mean she died? She didn’t feel like she had died - not that she would know what that felt like, but still… and did the Doctor really save her? And why did she pass out? She knew Ryan was probably just trying to protect her by passively brushing over the details but Yaz had to ease her mind and find out exactly what happened; so, she threw on the fresh clothes that were left by her bedside and made her way to the console room.

 

* * *

 

After navigating her way through the winding corridors of the TARDIS, Yaz found the three of her friends in the console room just as Ryan had previously described. 

 

The Doctor and Graham sat together on the floor before the console, flicking through a box of vinyls that was sitting between them, with the older man occasionally picking one out and sharing an anecdote that it reminded him of as Ryan stood to the side of them with a cup of tea, clearly disinterested in it all.

 

“Ah! There she is! The  _ one shot wonder! _ ”, the Doctor cheerfully exclaimed as she spotted Yaz by the doorway. Ryan couldn’t help but laugh at the Doctor’s wordplay, spraying a mouthful of tea all over himself as Graham poked a cautious elbow into the Time Lord’s side, 

 

“Ow! What was that for?”, the Doctor whimpered as Graham simply shook his head,

 

“Bit inappropriate, Doc, don’t you think?” 

 

“Oh, yeah, you’re right. Sorry, Yaz. Too soon…?”

 

“That was amazing.”, Ryan mumbled, wiping drips of tea from his chin.

 

“Don’t mind her, Yaz.”, Graham began, giving Doctor what could only be described as some serious side-eye, “It’s good to see you up and about! How are you feeling anyway?”

 

“Yeah alright,” Yaz replied, awkwardly outstretching her arms and motioning towards her abdomen, “You know, alive.”

 

“Just the way we like it!”, the Doctor beamed, rising to her feet and retrieving her sonic screwdriver from deep within the pocket of her trousers, tracing the device up and down the length her companion, “No weird symptoms though? No extra leg? Or sudden ability to speak a new language or play the clarinet?”

 

“No, I don’t think so…”, Yaz began, recoiling from the bright light of the sonic that the Doctor was currently waving in her face, “...Although, everything is  _ really _ bright and sharp.”

 

“Oh, really?”, the Doctor frowned, focusing the direction of the sonic on both of Yaz’s eyes and inspecting the readings it gave back, “Oh, yeah. Your eyesight has been totally regenerated, so you won’t be needing glasses any time soon. Or ever, probably!”

 

“Oi, that’s handy, I spent a fortune on a new pair of reading glasses from  _ Specsavers _ not that long ago.”, Graham quipped.

 

As the Doctor returned the sonic to her pocket, Yaz raised a hand to her head and rubbed her temple, “What happened? I don’t really remember much… It’s all foggy _. _ ”

 

“Ah, y’know, little incident involving you and a nasty gunshot wound, but it’s all sorted now and you’re as good as new!”, the Doctor chirped, skipping over to the console and pulling the lever of the custard cream dispenser, taking a bite from the biscuit that consequently emerged,

 

“I meant, what  _ really  _ happened?”, Yaz clarified, voice cool and simultaneously assertive,

 

The Doctor looked up from the console to meet Yaz’s eyes, immediately realising that the younger woman wasn’t interested in hearing any vague answers or explanations - and rightly so.

 

“You were shot with a blast of something called Stet radiation. It’s completely fatal to humans and it was gonna kill you - in fact it almost did - so I absorbed the radiation and used some of my regeneration energy to repair the damage.”, the Doctor looked back down at her hands, briefly flexing her fingers before turning her attention back to the TARDIS, circling around the console to access controls that were out of reach, ”It cost me about fifty-five years and I had to chuck out my coat ‘cause it had your blood all over it, but I’m sure the TARDIS will make me a new one...”

 

“Wait, what do you mean it cost you fifty-five years???”, Yaz pressed, a contemplative frown crossing her features as she closely followed the Doctor’s movements around the console, not willing to drop the conversation that easy.

 

Graham, now sensing the tension that was subtly building between the two women, loudly cleared his throat and gathered up a stack of loose vinyls that were strewn on the floor before him, 

 

“You got any  _ Fleetwood Mac _ , Doc? Can’t see any in this box...”

 

“Oh, yeah, loads! Including the remastered complete collection from the 26th century! I’m sure they’re in the library, I’ll go get them.”

 

“No need, I can have a look myself!”, Graham interjected, crossing over to where Ryan stood and throwing an arm over his shoulder, “C’mon Ryan, I wanna show you what real music sounds like.”

 

Ryan scoffed at the proposal and was ready to protest until he caught Graham’s eye and realised what he was really insinuating,

 

“Ohhh, right, okay. Yeah, would  _ love _ to hear it.”

 

The two men swiftly hurried out of the room and into the depths of the TARDIS together, leaving just Yaz and the Doctor standing by the console. A heavy silence hung between them, with the Doctor fiddling with some dials in attempt to look preoccupied,

 

“Um, Doctor, can we talk?”, Yaz finally found the courage to ask, after fidgeting with a loose thread on her sweater for the past minute or so,

 

“Of course! You can always talk to me about anything, Yaz.”, the Doctor replied, a warm smile tugging at the corners of her lips,

 

“Did I really almost die?” 

 

“Yes.”, the Doctor affirmed, “I know that’s a lot to comprehend, are you doing alright?”

 

“Yeah, no, I’m good…”

 

“Cause I totally understand if you wanna go home. I can drop you off back home now, safe and sound on Earth with your fam.”

 

“I don’t want to go back home.”, Yaz firmly stated.

 

“I think you should.”, the Doctor gave back, the declaration sounding harsher than she had intended it to be, but nevertheless she continued on, “I knew it was gonna be too dangerous from the moment the three of you came on board.”

 

“You know, I didn’t sign up to be a police officer without considering the very real possibility that something could happen to me in the line of duty, Doctor.”, Yaz countered, “This is no different.”

 

“No, it’s  _ very _ different, Yaz. I have a duty of care to you, to  _ all  _ of you, when you step through those doors and earlier today I failed at providing that care and in return, I almost lost you. Do you think I ever want to risk that happening again? Do you think it’s never happened before?”, the Doctor’s voice broke unintentionally towards the end, her question coming out as more of a whisper but Yaz still heard it and it made her heart sink deep in her chest. 

 

It was easy to forget that the three of them knew only a fraction of who the Doctor was and of the life she has lived. They had only known each other for just over a month after all; a tiny speck of existence for the Time Lord compared to their much shorter human lifetimes. As much as she tried to conceal it, it was clear to see that behind the façade of optimism and blinding energy that the Doctor exuded was thousands of years worth of pain and loss; and Yasmin could never comprehend it all if she tried.

 

“No, I-... I know that I’ll never understand and I’m not pretending that I ever will, I just-...”, much against her will, Yaz was beginning to feel tears pooling along the waterline of her eyes and now her words were catching at the back of her throat, hot and sticky, “I just really meant it when I said that you’re the best person I’ve ever met and that I wanted more time with you… And now I’ve got it, I don’t ever want to let it go.”

 

The two women stood in silence, Yaz’s confession hanging heavy in the air between them. As the Doctor’s gaze locked onto Yaz, fierce and scrutinising, she thought she had ruined everything, when all of a sudden the Doctor strode forward and pulled her into a crushing hug. Yaz wasn’t fully aware of all of the emotional tension that was built up within her until she wrapped her arms tightly around the Doctor’s frame and the hot tears tumbled freely from her eyes whilst ugly sobs wracked her body. Perhaps almost dying took a bigger toll on her than she originally thought. What if the Doctor hadn’t been able to save her? She would have died in front of her three best friends and her family would never have known what had truly happened. As she let herself succumb to it all, she could feel the Doctor’s hands gently rubbing circles up and down her back, whispering words of comfort as she did so.

 

While they both stood in their embrace, three hearts beating together as one, the Doctor couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt deep in her core. Guilt over all those that she had hurt in the past due to her own selfishness, with that same selfishness taking hold now. The Doctor knew she should have said her final goodbyes and left the three of them in Sheffield after their time in Alabama, but she let the daunting prospect of being alone again cloud her judgement; instead jumping on the opportunity of more company by going for tea at Yaz’s. Now, the rational part of the Doctor’s brain knew that should  _ really _ just stand her ground and take Yaz home where she would be safe, removed from all of the danger and death that followed the Doctor wherever she went… But instead the Time Lord found herself submitting to her selfishness once more as she just couldn’t bring herself to let Yaz go. No, not yet, because deep in the Doctor’s hearts, she knew that  _ she wanted more time too _ .

 

Once it appeared that Yaz had calmed down, the Doctor pulled back from the grip of the younger woman, yet still keeping a firm hand on Yaz’s waist as she used the other to wipe the tears from her cheeks,

 

“Promise me you won’t ever scare me like that again, Yasmin Khan.”

 

“I won’t.”, Yaz sniffed, taking a deep breath to compose herself before continuing, “And quite frankly, I don’t care what you say, I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

As she took another steady breath, Yaz thought once more of her family back in Sheffield, living their lives as normal and expecting her to come back with that loaf of bread at any minute... But as dangerous as it was, travelling with the Doctor was the best thing that had ever happened to her and there was no way that she could just let it all go and go back to her mundane life on Earth; even if the consequences of staying could be devastating.

 

“Yeah. I’m staying right here by your side, always.”

 

Yaz moved her hand over to the one that the Doctor had still gently rested above her hip, slowly intertwining their fingers and offering a light, reassuring squeeze. As Yaz looked up to meet the Doctor’s eyes, their hazel hue now glistening with vigour, resolution and something Yaz couldn’t quite place, she knew she had made the right choice.

 

How could she ever give up this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we love our space gays x
> 
> Nah for real, I hope you enjoyed this! Feedback is much appreciated as always and thank you all so so much for the support so far, it makes my lil heart full <3
> 
> THASMIN LIVES ON


End file.
